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okay imma just let it out.
im sick and tired of his excuses.
the hell with this relationship.
im so damn foolish. wtf am i thinking?!
of course i love him. who doesn't love their boyfriend?
but he got me thinking otherwise.
i have no idea why i always hide it with fake smiles and laughs.
am i that desperate? how pathetic can i be? more i think.
maybe i'm not cut of for him.
he 'needs' someone whom in his eyes are like everything he needs in the world.
even if he tells me that way back when that is.
what the hell does that suppose to mean?
that's just playing cruel.
im expose to heartbreaking-s and sadness for a long time.
because i've been fooled. no shock though.
i've told myself before that this may lead to something awful.
but i never listen to my brain instead i listen to my heart.
that's bad. and now, a slap on the face. none stop slaps.
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'how can u be so stupid cintha? how can u not see this coming?'
'i saw it coming. way before everything starts to fall apart.'
'then why are u still holding on to him?'
'because i wanna see if he can change if i confront him.'
'damn u bitch! how maybe times do u have to see this coming? u like getting hurt?!'
'NO. its just that i love him so much. and i know he loves me too'
'true. but no matter what, he's hurting u. seriously. dump that idiot.'
'i cant! its not that easy to let someone u love so much go just like that.'
'its not about loving him or not. its about letting urself have some pride. he's an idiot who hurts u so much and still calls u his girlfriend. he doesn't see that ur hurting for a long time now.'
'but still...'
'listen to me. anyone will be damn freaking lucky to have u as a girlfriend. ur sweet, caring, loving, faithful and all those crap that people keep telling u. and the best thing is, u're not like other girls. u know whats right and wrong. this relationship just got fucked up. theres nothing u or him can do now to save it cause if he does, it'll be the same all over again.'
'why can't he understand me? my feelings? i know he have problems on his own and im willing to help him and be there for him. but he always pushes me away. i tried to be close to him face to face but his respond was like, im a piece of crap why the hell are u even talking to me?. im so stupid.'
'no ur not. he is. he doesnt see whats on front of him until its gone. he'll regret alright.'
'so u mean i should let him go?'
'no.'
'no? then what should i do?'
'let him be. give him few days or weeks until his doings crack u, then confront him. this time, last chance to set things right. if he doesnt succed just dump him. tell him everything that u've been through to get the relationship work. he deserve a smack on the face too.'
'...'
'i know u can do it. if the relationship doesnt work out, u'll always have me. all the time. 24/7.'
'thanks...'*tears came rolling down her cheeks as she press enter on the keyboard*
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see what i mean? im my own problem solver and someone to talk to and trust the most.
its hard for me not to think about all this shit.
its right front of my bloody face.
im blind. blind as a ant.
im drown to love at first sight.
until that slap in the face gets really hard then i'll realise.
that's how stupid am i in a relationship.
even if i always be the one to help those in problems.
even if im the one who always keeps the secrets.
my own problem.
sucks to be that person.
'just put it with a fake smile.' fuck it
what does that suppose to mean? 'love'?
those for alphabate. does it have to mean anything?
hope so. HOPE? are u kidding?
hope is just that thing u do when life gives u a lot of hell and thats the only way to make u feel better and not think that ur a piece of crap.
no doubt.
out.

-TRULY-
-cintha rajah-